Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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