We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
