I just threw up on my dentist
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
