she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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