Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
