saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
the raccoons are back...
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