my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize