I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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