my phone needs a breathalizer
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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