I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
