I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
