I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
