Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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