have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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