you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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