I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I think your dad took our porno
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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