I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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