I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize