hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
