Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
