saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
