He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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