Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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