Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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