just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize