You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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