So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
