so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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