Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
