But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
