Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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