happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
