i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
