I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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