Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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