He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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