the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
