tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
