you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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