he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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