do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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