There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
