The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
