while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
