He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She told me I should be a condom model.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
