This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
