remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
