i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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