Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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