did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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