i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
