I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You made out with two different species that night
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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