my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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