he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
