I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We talked him into tasing himself.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
