she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
