I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
