eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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