I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
