Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
