anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize